Bankers
(To the tune of 'A Policeman's lot is not a happy one. ' from 'The Pirates of Penzance.'
Written for the pantomime 'Aladdin.' Performed in Shimpling. Suffolk) See the video clip at the bottom of the lyrics. Apologies for the rather large camel video-bombing the clip throughout.
When a banker is engaged in his investments (his investments)
He likes to think he can do what he wants (what he wants)
He studies all the markets, then makes his assessments (his assessments )
During breakfast as he's eating his croissants (his croissants)
I drink five black cups of coffee while I'm working (whilst he's working)
I am high on caffeine - then you'll hear me groan (hear him groan)
Because I've lost a lot of money but I'm smirking (Why's he smirking?)
(Answering) Well I haven't lost a penny of my own (of his own)
Ahhhhh ..... (a realisation type Ahhhh heads nodding etc. )
When a city banker's duty has been done (has been done)
His client's lot is not a happy one (happy one)
(Music interlude)
When a crafty city banker's double-dealing (double-dealing)
With subterfuge, skulduggery and fraud (ry and fraud)
The clients have a quite uneasy feeling ( 'neasy feeling)
That the scoundrel might have jetted off abroad (off abroad)
Now residing in some tropical tax haven ('al tax haven)
With the opulence befitting to my cash (to his cash)
Drinking Mai Tais, lying starkers and unshaven (and unshaven)
Oh my manner quite superior and brash ('or and brash)
Ahhh
When a city banker's duty has been done (has been done)
His client's lot is not a happy one (happy one)
His client's lot is not a happy one (happy one)
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The Vacuum Song
To the tune of the Window Cleaner Song - George Formby)
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Now I like selling vacuums
To earn some ready dosh
A Dyson or a Hoover
A Dirt Devil or a Bosch
Now in the market you'll find me
I'm poor and broke but I'm still free
But I'll be rich one day - you'll see
But not through selling vacuums
My vacuums are all second hand
But they're the best throughout the land
This is not the life I planned
Selling bloomin' vacuums
I think I'll have to bide my time
And keep on selling. It's a crime
Because I'm really in my prime
But I'm selling vacuums.
He's a lad whose sale technique
Is 'suck them in' - it's quite unique
You use myour charm and great physique
When your selling vacuums
You meet a lot of women who
Like to come to bill and coo
And I'm sure what you should do
To help you sell those vacuums.
A lady once came to my stall
Looking like Lauren Bacall
She saw my Dyson! - that was all.
As I sold her vacuums
That man Jafar has often said
His business must be in the red
He should do something else instead
And give up selling vacuums
I think he might be right you know
Mighty oaks from acorns grow
It time to change the status quo
And give up selling vacuums.