Bez Berry

Insidious and aggravating, totally exasperating

A plague of flyers lying there; some magazines, a questionnaire

Requests to change my credit card or fix my windows, pave my yard

Time to buy some crazy paving.  Buy it now and you'll be saving

Ten percent on everything.  Prepare your garden for the Spring

Should I be digging in the wet?  I haven't had my breakfast yet

 

Guides from every garden centre.  Visit them and you will enter

Paradise,  a world of flowers.  You can spend your leisure hours

Spending fortunes buying tat; a water feature, plaster cat

A gnome, a deer a startled hare, a cheap, reclining plastic chair

A resin sundial,  looks like bronze.  This garden isn't Monty Don's

I break into a heavy sweat and haven't had my breakfast yet

 

And then the food.  Yes that's the thing. A hot kebab,  a chicken wing

A Turkish meal.  Italian fare, Polish,  Chinese. They're all there

Samosas,  kormas and masala, bhakri charkri, shakapara

Greek and fusion, Balti, Thai, fish and chips, banoffee pie

Have it all by takeaway served on a polystyrene tray

My appetite they try to whet. I haven't had my breakfast yet

 

Why not take out a massive loan?  I let out a despairing groan

Lloyds and Barclays, Standard Chartered.  Don't forget how we were martyred

When the subprime crash erupted - money lenders so corrupted

Savings lost and loans recalled.  The press were suitably appalled

And here they are -  at it again.  It worries my untutored brain

I'm thinking of the national debt and haven't had my breakfast yet

 

A leaflet for the local gym;  'Why look like you?  Now look like him! '

Adonis in black underwear; muscled, sweaty, lacking hair

Lies glistening on my welcome mat.  Oh I could never look like that

I see the mirror on the wall, it indicates an overhaul

So bald and flabby, hairy chest does not look good in a string vest

Pyjama bottom's chord's too tight.  I'd need a ton of dynamite

To shift a lifetime of regret.  I haven't had my breakfast yet

 

Hey - why not try our credit card?  To change accounts would not be hard

Permit us now lend you cash?  Then hit the shops and make a splash

It's time to treat yourself again.  Just let our lending take the strain

Try it, buy it,  just pay later.  In your wallet there's a crater

Let us put your mind at rest.  We charge you daily interest

The whole thing's truly comical.  The figures astronomical

I am now feeling quite upset and haven't had my breakfast yet

 

Piles of leaflets, such temptation I collect with resignation

All trying to purloin my cash.  I throw the whole lot in the trash

A modern plague, a curse, a pox all falling through my letterbox

A scourge that greets my waking day.  Each one a failed communiqué

The more they send the less I buy.  It matters not how hard they try

To sell me their commodities by wasting ink and killing trees

I leave the hall with furrowed brow.  I think I'll have my breakfast now