The Struggle
​
There are chocolate biscuits sitting on the bread bin
There are cup cakes looking tempting in a box
There are sticky macaroons
Singing 'come and eat me' tunes
As my eyes fall on a tasty box of chocs
In the cupboard I can hear the crisps are calling
I can smell them - cheese and onion - through their bag
There are scones and angel cake, which took little time to make
I really must resist them. What a drag
In the bathroom I can hear the scales are screaming
'Do not be tempted,' I can hear them shout
But the cake, well should I try it and blow the bloody diet?
I think it's time to throw the damn things out
But no, for I can feel my bones are aching
The knees, the ankles, hips are under strain
When I sit and watch the telly I can see my growing belly
I'm in danger of inflation once again
So back to wheat and bran and all that roughage
To broccoli, cucumber, pecan nuts
Turnips, grapes and herring and I'll soon be preparing
To see a big reduction of my guts
Losing weight will add years to your lifespan
That is what the experts always say
As Clement Freud once said by being underfed
You don't live longer - it just seems that way
The Diet
It's January. Christmas gone. The decorations stashed
Parties, family, Christmas pud. That night we all got smashed
Needles in the carpet. Tinsel in the cat
I tried resisting seconds but I'm now a blob of fat
It's time lose a bit of weight. I will go on a diet
I've pigged out far too readily. I really ought to try it
Day one I was eating healthy shredded wheat for lunch
(Don't count the bacon sandwich that I thought I'd have for brunch)
On the scales that evening I weigh another pound
Losing weight is very hard. My stomach's rather round
Day two - I thought I'd walk to town but took a taxi back
It gave me chance to eat a pasty - just a little snack
The scales are lying to me - another pound again
This dieting and exercise is nothing but a pain
Day three - hardly any food - the calories are dropping
Resisted an iced bun in Greggs whilst I was busy shopping
I looked at it quite longingly. My mind was set like steel
So I nipped into McDonalds where I ate a happy meal
The scales were staring back at me. Why was my weight increasing?
My intake of the fatty stuff would need more closer policing
Avocado, bacon roll, chocolate and curry
Doughnuts, dumplings, marzipan. No, there's no need to worry
Luscious lobster, fish and chips, profiteroles rolls in mounds
Roast and toast and cake and shake. Nothing's out of bounds
The diet has evaporated. Will power's disappeared
I climb onto the scales again. It is just as I feared
I look into the mirror both my cheeks are puffed and bloated
I eat a healthy almond which is pink and sugar coated
What to do? Oh what to do? I'm heading for damnation
As soon as I cut down on food I'm led into temptation
Flakes and steaks and fries and pies, linguine, fettuccine
A soft soufflé, a crème brûlée, a blini or panini
Chicken wings and onion rings, turkey and beef jerky
Ham and jam and lamb and spam. A lager keeps me perky
What to do? Oh what to do? I'll take a glass of sherry
I'm blame Nigel Slater, Blumenthal and Mary Berry
Harriet and Ramsey, Gary Rhodes and Michel Roux,
Nigella Lawson, Jamie and the Hairy Bikers too
I think if I am serious and want to save my belly.
I need to do more exercise and never watch the telly
